My previous piece on the two failure modes of high-stakes gatherings left a few people with big epiphanies. Folks I never thought I would hear from on the topic reached out to me offline, commenting on how it helped them see a tumultuous work situation differently, situations of “highly charged chaos,” as one person put it, where things did not go well. I realized that there’s a place for more generalized advice on how to enter into these gatherings.
I am usually in the role of designing such experiences for organizations, when leaders know they are heading into something important that needs an extra touch to go well. I’ve also studied the design of transformative social experiences far outside of work settings, where navigating real risk is what makes the experiences worthwhile. From seeing that wide range, here’s my advice for when you’re facing one of these moments, whether the gathering is underdesigned or poised to miss the mark.
Get specific about your dread
Your own sense of resistance is the clearest indication that you’re dealing with something consequential. Many of the signals your mind and body give you may need a little bit of deciphering. Noting your own dread and teasing it apart ahead of time will give you more options for how to navigate.
I generally divide pre-gathering dread into three types: an “Oh, fuck” moment, existential dread, and informed panic.
The legendary “oh, fuck” moment happens when you’re entering into an experience of consequence that is fundamentally unlike what you’re used to. This was present for participants in all of the transformative social experiences I studied. It’s usually an indication that you’re personally challenged, but not that the experience itself will necessarily be problematic. You can tell you’re having an “oh, fuck” moment when you obsess over the obvious, concrete things you feel like you can control: what you wear, what you bring with you, how you manage the rest of your day, who you sit next to, etc. You’re in overdrive trying to prepare for an immediate, uncertain future. This feeling usually indicates that you’re up for something substantive and meaningful, even if you feel freaked out. Letting go of some of the details to be fully present and open will likely serve you best.
Existential dread is more of a sinking, depressed sensation when you feel powerless about the inevitability of a negative outcome. This is endemic in many big corporate gatherings where leadership has failed to connect with the reality of the employee base. You’ll know this is coming up when you feel apathy, hopelessness, and low energy. This feeling usually indicates that you need to reorient around what you do have agency over, either individually or together with your peers in the situation, and what you actually want, regardless of whether or not the people setting up the gathering are capable of making that happen.
Informed panic happens when the two previous kinds of dread, “oh, fuck” and existential dread, come together. You know you will be challenged and the nature of the setup means that things probably will not support the outcome you want. You’re having this kind of dread when hyper-vigilance keeps you up at night, visions of catastrophe run rampant, and you can’t stop cycling through mental plays of every version of things going sour. The feeling of panic can be so overwhelming that it takes a fair bit of self-awareness and self-regulation to tease out. Easier said than done, but the work here is to quiet the panic enough to clarify what exactly is provoking it and what apparent inevitability you could handle differently to get out of harm’s way. Dial into the “informed” part of your informed panic.
Clock your own certainties, wants, and possibilities
Once you’ve identified the type of resistance that you are feeling, set aside all of the uncertainties to clarify what you are certain about. I generally recommend doing this concretely, on paper, in list form.
Then complement that list with another list of what you actually want in the situation or what is most important to you. You can organize this around what you want for yourself, for the group, or more broadly. The lists will have professional things next to the personal, and the wants in the situation might surprise you when you state them plainly to yourself.
Some examples:
What’s certain: The restructuring is happening in Q3. My position is safe but my team’s isn’t. I’m exhausted and haven’t been sleeping.
What’s wanted: To not make promises I can’t keep. To spend time with my family over the coming weekends without thinking about work. To be honest with my team about what I know and what I don’t.
What’s certain: Leadership can’t handle all the pushback from students. The curriculum is shifting away from what I believe in. My colleagues are divided and some are angry. I love being connected to the institution. The way the students are being handled offends my values.
What’s wanted: To only state my perspective to those who want to listen. To stay connected to the people I respect on all sides. To figure out if there’s still a role here that’s worth my energy. To know what my other options are for institutions to be connected with that fulfill me.
What’s certain: We’re running out of money. The executive director is burned out. Half the board doesn’t show up. The people doing the actual work are volunteers.
What’s wanted: To know whether this organization can survive. To stop carrying more than my share. To figure out if I’m staying out of obligation or because it still matters to me.
Those two lists, of certainties and wants, can help clarify possibilities. What’s within your control, what do you prioritize, and how do you want to navigate?
Advocate for your own bodily needs
Situations of great uncertainty and high consequence are extremely draining physically. Don’t underestimate the impact of going into a high-stakes gathering under-slept or dehydrated. Give yourself extra opportunities to take breaks, eat snacks, breathe fresh air, etc. You could think of this as kindergarten rules. Kids can be much better than us adults at feeling their emotions in the moment and prioritizing their physical needs. If you were a kindergartner again, what would you do to make sure you were physically okay? Take a nap, ask for help, wear comfortable shoes.
Work Ury’s Triple-A Trap
Conflict and negotiation expert William Ury points out a triangle of behaviors that creates a worsening trap when in high stakes situations. He calls them the three A’s: avoid, attack, or accommodate. They tend to show up when we struggle to balance exercising our own power with preserving our relationships.
Avoiding involves disengaging and evading the situation in the hopes that it will resolve itself. Attacking involves fighting, criticizing, and pushing back from a place of making the other people the problem. Accommodating involves giving in and capitulating even when parts of you know that something else should be done. Once a person or group starts to do one of these, they tend to cycle through all of them in different ways. That is why it’s called a trap.
The way out of the trap is to act authentically in a way that honors your own needs and power while equally respecting everyone else’s. This may look like showing up for the thing you dread and naming what’s hard to say. This may look like speaking your truth without evaluating or criticizing anyone else. It may look like conscientiously doing what feels important rather than going along with the prescribed program.
Treat your impulse to step into the trap of the three A’s as a tell that there is something wiser and more powerful to do. Give yourself space to connect with that wisdom and the courage to take the better action.
Flip prescriptions into questions
When things aren’t going well in high-stakes situations, we often fantasize about controlling other people. We get prescriptive with the people around us because making them do things seems like a proxy for getting what we want. This is a losing strategy. Rather than fixate on a prescription for other people, uncover the questions that might underlie your urge to control. The best questions are motivated by honest curiosity. Here are some examples of that flip:
Prescription: Leadership needs to stop sugarcoating the layoffs.
Question: What do I need to understand about how this decision was made, and who can I find that out from?
Prescription: The team just needs to follow the steps I set out for them.
Question: What are the consequences of the team not doing what was asked, and who do I need to sort out those consequences with?
Prescription: He needs to stop hijacking the agenda with his own priorities.
Question: What’s my agenda, and how do I make space for it?
Prescription: Someone should call out the elephant in the room.
Question: What’s the hard thing I want said, and why do I find it difficult to say it myself?
Prescription: She needs to stop promising things she can’t deliver.
Question: What commitments do I need from this person, and how do I convey that to her?
The trick is to ask questions that can unearth information and create avenues for connection that allow you to act in a more personally satisfying way.
Get clear on responsibilities and expectations
Consider what your responsibilities to the group are and what they expect of you. If that’s not clear, or based on assumptions, see if you can get clear before the gathering starts. Similarly, be overt with yourself about what you need and expect of the group, regardless of how rational those expectations may be.
This is especially important for leaders and people in positions of authority. Leaders can sabotage themselves by not clocking their responsibility to the group before a high-stakes gathering. I’ve seen this happen because they were oblivious to how their power impacts others or because they felt too personally threatened to remember what others need from them. That sense of personal threat can lead to abdicating responsibility to the group, often unconsciously and unintentionally. Separate your own personhood from the role you play and responsibilities you hold. Ensure you’re fulfilling those responsibilities before centering your own fears and insecurities.
Consider not going
When assessing your own dread and resistance, if it’s clear that you’re deep in informed panic, consider simply not going. This is distinct from the avoid side of William Ury’s triple-A trap. It’s about recognizing when the circumstances have been very poorly set up and those with authority over the gathering aren’t (or can’t) wielding their power effectively. Withdrawing your cooperation by not attending can be an important self-preservation move when the heat is becoming a fire. And it has another benefit: it allows you to affirm your choice to attend. Doing so as a choice rather than a default obligation allows you to be present and engaged.
